Kirsty Usher is a second-year PhD student at Aberystwyth University. The title of her project is ‘Building Temporary Communities: The Mobilities, Geographies and Working Practices of the Festival Rigger’. She is currently doing an internship with the Welsh Government, as part of WGSSS scheme through ESRC.

Supportive Tips for a Student Parent or Carer

Halfway through my undergraduate degree, in the middle of a pandemic, I was pregnant with my second child. Which meant I was completing my dissertation with a new-born baby. I got it all done the same way I am writing this: intermittently, among various child demands and school runs. During that pregnancy I wrote about my experience as a student parent with tips on managing the practicalities facing a student who has caring responsibilities.

This is a follow up, with a broader perspective on actually coping with the precarious balancing act of caring and studying. So having completed my degree (yay), and immediately moving on to study a masters, I now have a rather wild toddler and find myself in the first year of a PhD. I got to this point through a blur of hard work and logistical planning worthy of military level precision, with a big side of winging it. Out of this maelstrom of an experience, I will attempt to provide as succinct a list as possible of helpful tips I have learned along the way, as much as my addled brain can muster. Because despite what my still un-framed and shamefully neglected certificates might suggest, I probably feel most qualified in juggling parenting with student-ing more than anything else.

A black and white photo of a busy desk
  1. Accept that you will not be working to the same beat and timescale of a typical work day. Work to your best available timeframes. This may be late night, during your kid’s naps, or just random ten-minute moments. You’ll have possibly heard the tip to treat it like work. I would say, commit to it fully, yes, but fit it around you. You can’t do that with a job: use that flexibility.
  2. The most reassuring thing a lecturer once told me was if you’re thinking about an assignment, you’re doing it. Now this could easily be misconstrued as a blag, which if it works for you, have at it! But as a busy parent being pulled in multiple directions, needing reassurance that you can remain engaged in your work even when you can’t physically engage, I found this a really helpful frame of mind to put myself in, and it did in fact keep me engaged.
  3. Enthusiasm will carry you. It is what has given me the required energy and passion to burn the midnight oil on deadline eve. And by enthusiasm, I mean don’t be too cool for school. This is not the time! Which also means…
  4. Ask questions! Hassle, politely harass, read all the bumf wherever possible so you actually know what on earth is going on. You are less likely to have the opportunity to get info socially, from just hanging out, because any spare time you have is used for, if not study: school runs, food shopping, staring blankly at a wall etc.
  5. Social media. This is a tricky one, because it can be a lifeline for some. Personally, I find it distracts me and feeds my self-doubt, so I use it very sparingly. I mean, I need to get my screen dopamine hit somewhere so I do indulge a bit! But not Facebook, I came off before starting university which I never regretted once I made the leap. But I found there were a lot of FB groups being mentioned by students and the uni. I resisted being a part of them and that was difficult, especially when you already feel a bit on the outside. In the end compromising by only using messaging apps. Even then I struggled, quite frankly, to communicate, my jokes dropping like wet fish. Which reinforced my desire to avoid engaging with my cohort through social media. This is no hard and fast tip. I think we’re all trying to figure out how much social media we should have in our lives. I would just say protect your mental health and be aware what is helping it and what isn’t.
  6. Join in group work. I know, no one likes it, we all groan at the prospect. But it was group work that helped me to figure out how to better communicate with everyone outside of the messaging apps, realising they’re just people with their own set of doubts and worries. Remember that whatever you’re worrying about in how you came across, more often than not the other person is having the same worries about themselves.
  7. Communicate with your personal tutor about your concerns, use student support services, reach out to the Students’ Union. Just do not suffer in silence. It is in the university’s foremost interest to ensure each and every student is able to complete their studies, all of whom have their own adversities to overcome. Remember you are one of those.
  8. Being a parent of young children can be lonely, especially if you’re the only one in your cohort. Unfortunately, support networks for parent and carer students within the university are sparse, mainly because none of this demographic usually has the time to set anything up! But it is always worth checking out what is on offer through the SU; it’s been a while since I checked to be honest. This is why it’s not always that simple to dismiss social media: if you’re lacking a support network it can be a lifeline. If you’re lucky enough to have a support network, use it. Nothing gives you better perspective than other people.
  9. Finally, make sure that people know what your situation is. Tick the box on your student record that says carer, refer to your situation in tutor meetings, get involved with the SU in even a small way. I am a vocal person which I know helped me to better get the help I needed, but also being a student representative or volunteer officer empowers you with a voice even if you aren’t usually mouthy. It’s always worth speaking up, politely! As my Nan always said; if you don’t ask, you don’t get.My experience has been as a mature parent student, so I did not really suffer from FOMO too much; I felt I was already changing gear with my life from becoming a parent, so my approach to uni was one of a new kind of commitment I felt ready for. This could be quite different to the experience of someone else, a younger parent or carer for example, which can be a very different bag. In which case, a lot of this advice is the opposite of what you want to hear, so please feel free to merrily disregard and do the opposite! I can only speak from my experience and what I found worked for me. Ultimately, I think parenting and studenting is about rolling with the punches; these come in the form of all kinds of emotional guilt, logistical nightmares, intellectual challenges and physical exhaustion. There is some help, but you have to ask for it. I have issues and criticisms around student parent support in general, which believe me I have addressed at every turn. Consider this a positive encouragement, it will fall on you to figure out most of your logistical issues; but think of it as part of the challenge of this whole experience (whilst of course holding to account any glaring discrepancies you come across). Also, there are times when it all just seems really fun and a total breeze, when you’ll wonder why more parents haven’t cottoned on to what a great fit this is to your life and aspirations. Because that is what education is for right? Improving your situation. Enjoy.